I haven't been this happy this often in a really long time. Everything is going right again. And this awesome weather is allowing it to. I love wearing shorts and playing basketball or hockey or baseball in the streets. I feel really good about myself right now, not so much like I need a new life. Maybe because of this new venture. I'm excited for prom. I even prefer the successful v dubs v3 to versions 1 and 2. Thanks to Addsun.

That's another thing. I've recently found two awesome close friends. Addison's been the kind of friend I haven't had since C.May graduated.

When I go to college, people are gonna think I'm really weird (or just really cool!) when I say "I'm gonna go get me some drank" or "for true" or "too scary" or "I love traysure" etc. and when I applaud when I agree with something. Thanks guys.

Anticipation. Compassion. Anger. Ecstasy. Anxiety. Hatred. Excitement. Disgust. Understanding. Happiness. Disappointment. Motivation. Hope.

I need new scenery.

And I mean that in so many different ways.

What am I to you?

Woo... 3 hours of sleep in the last 32.

I don't really know how to describe that after-state. As far as the party was concerned, it kind of sucked. The chaperones were way too annoying and strict... "If I see any more blankets over heads, you'll lose your blanket privileges"... What?.. And there wasn't really that much to do. Going on secret spy missions and answering at least a hundred serious teen conversation starting questions only kills so many hours. Although those were both pretty awesome activities, that along with eventually relieving that burden made the night worth it for me.

I'm still can't decide if I'm hungry or not.

It's like I never lived before my life with you,
So much was missing here, I never even knew.

It's finally starting to make sense,
I guess I found the missing part of me.

__________________________________

I love you... more than I could ever say. But I know you know, because I know you feel the same way. I love that.

It seems that I like every college I visit more than the last one. Well, I don't know how much more I really like UNC than CSU, but I know a lot more about the programs that I'm interested in at UNC. I don't know that much about CSU, I might have to go back and talk to some professors... And UCCS seemed really cool at first, but I'm pretty sure I'd rather go to a bigger school with more opportunities. They have virtually no music program at UCCS and I want to keep participating in band in college. UNC is small, but not small enough to restrict your activities. CSU is huge, but I don't think I would mind it like I would mind CU Boulder. It's a lot more spread out and just appeals to me more... I'm going to apply right away, like first week of September, so I can be more eligible for scholarships and the rooms I want... Those new and renovated dorms at UNC are really nice...

As of now, I think I could see myself at UNC the most, followed closely by CSU.

Thank god we don't have the same spring break. Unfortunately, there's an overlapping weekend...

I fear I've done something terrible to Celeste...

D'accord, il existait d'autres façons de se quitter
Quelques éclats de verres auraient peut être pu nous aider
Dans ce silence amer, j'ai décidé de pardonner
Les erreurs qu'on peut faire à trop s'aimer
D'accord la petite fille en moi souvent te réclamait
Presque comme une mère, tu me bordais, me protégeais
Je t'ai volé ce sang qu'on n'aurait pas dû partager
A bout de mots, de rêves je vais crier

Je t'aime, je t'aime
Comme un fou comme un soldat
Comme une star de cinéma
Je t'aime, je t'aime
Comme un loup comme un roi
Comme un homme que je ne suis pas
Tu vois, je t'aime comme ça

D'accord je t'ai confié tous mes sourires, tous mes secrets
Même ceux, dont seul un frère est le gardien inavoué
Dans cette maison de pierre,
Satan nous regardait danser
J'ai tant voulu la guerre de corps qui se faisaient la paix

Je t'aime, je t'aime
Comme un fou comme un soldat
Comme une star de cinéma
Je t'aime, je t'aime
Comme un loup comme un roi
Comme un homme que je ne suis pas
Tu vois, je t'aime comme ça

That hurts. I guess every now and then people realize their own faults and the fact that not everybody likes them... I thought you were so cool. I imagined us being good friends throughout this year and next. Now I know what you think of me. Now I know you're pretty much a jerk. I'm annoying and I beg for money. Sweet. Yeah, it's true sometimes (except for really "begging"... I think)... it's also true that you're a jerk for telling me so. Yet, you still greet me in the halls as if we're buds. What the hell?... I don't care. I'm me and you're you.

I need another break from people.

TV: "He met a perfect girl!"
My Dad: "I met a perfect girl!"
Amelia: "You are a hopeless smush, dear..."
*proceed to sing... something... together*

I like chocolate dipped pretzel rods better without the peppermints. I want my Xbox back! So I can play halo 2! This is so ridiculous. That was pretty much the best Christmas present I got, and I can't do anything with it yet :(. I'm probably going to get an Xbox 360 at my mom's. Woo! I want that Lord of the Rings Conquest game. It looks like so much fun. I miss video games... I definitely want to get back into them... but not too much ;). I love my new coat. I love my new terrorist hat/neck warmer thing. I might love my new suitcase. I love my new books?.. that I already had? Sure. Otherwise I got candy and clothes and money.

Believe it or not, this card is made from corn plastic, an abundant, renewable resource. While it does help to reduce the demand for petroleum based plastics, it is still not edible. So please refrain from eating the card. But you can use the card to eat, obviously, at Chipotle.

Treat your Chipotle gift card like cash. Cash that may only be used for making purchases at Chipotle restaurants - you can try and use it someplace else, but it won't be accepted, and you'll probably be mocked. It cannot be redeemed for cash or applied as payment to any account unless required by law. Chipotle is not responsible for unauthorized use of this card - namely someone other than the rightful owner using it to score a burrito. Except in certain circumstances, the value on this card will not be replaced if the card is lost, stolen or destroyed. Use of this card constitutes acceptance of these terms and conditions.

I was all frustrated. Not with you, but with not being able to see you for more than a week coming up. But that's life. So I was frustrated with life. Then I talked to (a different) you, and I realized how lucky I am, and we are, in what we do get. It actually made me happy. It doesn't sound so good that talking to you about your unhappy times made me happier... It also helped to make me happy (haha... happify) to feel like a closer friend to you. I've realized how most of my friendships have been growing distant in one way or another recently.

Ahhhh, today made me soooo happy. More than twelve hours, woo! I love you.

And Alan came home, yaaaaaay. He was supposed to yesterday then might not have until Christmas night. Going to get him was fun. I had a dance party by myself to music on my ipod. My mom thought I was weird.

Now You're Gone, One More time, All I Ever Wanted, Keeping Up with the Joneses, Heaven, Every Time We Touch, Harder Better Faster Stronger, DotA, Dimelo, I'm Yours, I Think We're Alone Now.

I got a letter from all state today emphasizing that I'm only an alternate every other freaking sentence... but it's cool that I get the music anyway.

Yoou m-m-m-maake me h-happy.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been so miserable tonight for no reason. I spent the afternoon bored, and easily frustrated or annoyed. I went to sleep for a bit but just had even worse dreams. Then I wanted to watch a movie to engross myself in something and maybe fall asleep in front of it, and I asked my mom to watch one with me. After a bit, I started to periodically come up here and see if you had signed back on, because I felt really bad for being so... I don't even know. After the movie, I thanked my mom for watching it with me, and her accusatory "you were barely even here" pretty much did it for me. Normally that statement wouldn't bother me, like at all. But I came back, and just sort of broke down... inexplicably.

It's weird. I don't think I've had a free afternoon/evening just to myself in... weeks. I think pretty much every night I haven't had frys or been with my dad, we've done something. Which is totally what I prefer. Sometimes I'm surprised you're not sick of me. And I totally know what you'd say to that... Tomorrow morning can't come soon enough.

After an hour and a half of silent contemplation, I don't even want to think about it anymore.

Woo, second chair all county... again! Again behind a friend from Lakewood. That little... just kidding! Woo. I don't feel as bad about losing first chair in band. Aaaaand I had a really good audition for all state! If I get a high chair in that then I'll feel bad about band class again... actually, no I won't.

Finally not going to physics and eating Mexican food, like we've been planning all year, felt so good! It was so much fun.

I love the Afters... again... still... it's been a while. I've been skipping their songs for a few months now. But my obsession is back.

It's really weird how long ago that feels. I guess four months is a really long time, it's like 1/48 of my life. In a way it felt different back then, near the beginning. Probably just the thrill of something new and the disbelief that it's happening, or it could just be that it was a long time ago. Mm, I'm so amazingly happy that we can just talk about things like that, like it's no big deal. And remembering really good times together. It's just... indescribable.

Everything's just going wrong. School sucks like no other... I wish this break would never end. Well, if I were at my mom's. My dad keeps yelling at me for no reason. I can't go to after state since it's on Saturday and I have stupid church orchestra crap on Sunday. So probably not Winterfest either... Plus everything from previous posts.

Gah, I'm bored. No one to talk to. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go to escape my dad...

I know you're good, I admire how good you are for your age. We're about the same... you're better than be in some aspects, and I think it's fair to say I'm better than you in some, it balances out pretty evenly... and I know I had a pretty shitty audition, so I was partly expecting it. But shit... this sucks. You'll probably read this and like feel kinda bad or whatever. Don't. You deserve it. I would be thrilled if I were you. I'm just not going to enjoy the whole second chair thing. I'll just be straight up and speak my mind on here and maybe delete it later. I don't know if I'm going to be able to stand sitting in between you two... Shit, I don't want to play second part (I feel your pain now), you get all the cool parts :(. I'm not gonna win best high brass if I can't even get first chair. Damn I hadn't realized how much I was relying on my being able to get first chair... Don't get me wrong, I'm accepting it completely, you were better than me that day, and quite frankly, that's not the only day that you've been better than me. I'm just not partial to that fact.

I'm motivated to practice for my next chance, and more importantly, all state. I'm going to get a lesson this weekend to help.

Ahhhh, that's frustrating. I want to know what chair! Stupid... Now I won't know 'til when, after Thanksgiving?...! Gah. Damn horn players not auditioning, or not being good enough. Ha, right now I pretty much only care about whether or not I beat him. I don't think I've ever even talked to him! And I pretty much hate his guts... Ha, kinda like those orchestra kids last year. I miss having Nick around to hate people with for no reason.

All county went pretty decently today. I did screw up part of each of my scales, but played the two etudes close to perfectly, as far as I'm concerned.

That jerk from Chatfield was giving me dirty looks again, just as he does every time I see him... all county or solo/ensemble or whatnot. I better have beaten him. He was practicing a lot, so it's very possible that he blew his chops. Thinking back to warming up for solo/ensemble last year when he and his friend (who's actually pretty cool) were across the gym from me and Nick, I think it would be really cool if we were to somehow have some sort of duet competition between us and them... 'cause they were totally bitter that we were 1st and 2nd chairs last year, and we're all pretty good... Wow, I'm a nerd. But it'd be cool!

And of course, I miss you.

Driving everywhere has been so much fun. I can't wait to get my license in... 7 months... :(.

I ended school today with French, and I have to start tomorrow with French. You probably don't realize how much that sucks...

All county! People who aren't auditioning are LAME! Because... I say so.

I miss you.

( Now You're Gone )

Aw, I can't leave you a ton of IM messages, 'cause there's a stupid offline storage limit. Lame! Ha, that's going to be confusing to you when you get back. Oh well.

On a happier note, I got the DVD of finals today! And of semi's last year. Woo...

I'm excited for all county auditions, and for chairs. Since Nick graduated, I should be able to get first chair, in both. I'm gonna go practice, til I can't get it wrong, like a professional...

It was an awesome movie. Not quite Dark Knight awesome, but still really cool...

I could almost feel tears come up. I had been looking forward to it for a while. He thought I wasn't going to being able to come so he didn't arrange to get a horn for me. Mr. Harris was there! I was going to play with Mr. Harris... nope... My dad felt bad for me, so he wanted to make me a good dinner and do something fun, so we saw Quantum of Solace (see above).

This is weird. I've never had back problems before, but it spazzed out today. I was just walking towards the band room at the start of lunch when all of a sudden pain shot through my right side. It felt like an intense leg cramp in my back. For the next hour or two, a continuous throbbing bothered me and sharpened if I moved my back/arm/shoulders in any way. I got some Tylenol from the clinic and didn't go to French. Even Madame Snow said I shouldn't be there. In a way it's convenient, because I have an extra weekend to prepare for our essay.

It's still consistently aching. My mom said I might have thrown out a rib, but I don't know how that would happen from just walking down the hall. My dad said it might take a few days for my muscles to recover from a back spaz. If this goes on for another few days, I might just end my misery.

Guh, I have to wait like an entire week before even seeing you again. That sucks. End of story.